I Want a Divorce. But What About the Child?

One of the most common fears women have when considering divorce is leaving their child without a father. They fear inflicting pain on the child, fear that divorce will become a major trauma for them. Women torment themselves with guilt, believing their child’s happiness is more important than their own. They worry the child will resent them for separating them from their father.

Types of Father-Child Relationships and the Impact of Divorce

Typically, relationships between a father and child fall into three categories:

• First — the father is sufficiently good, attentive, spends time with the child, and is actively involved in their life.
• Second — the father is indifferent, and all childcare responsibilities fall on the mother. Essentially, she serves as both mother and father to the child.
• Third — the father openly treats the child and the mother poorly.

The first scenario is naturally the most challenging. When the father is a good parent, the child receives enough attention and love from him. This is precisely when a woman’s doubts are strongest, and it becomes hardest for her to prioritize herself. However, in all three cases, children fare better when their parents divorce than when they remain together out of guilt, duty, or fear.

What Children Actually Learn from an Unhappy Marriage

Everything a child observes in their parents’ relationship becomes their perceived norm. They believe this is how a family should function and how relationships between a husband and wife should be structured. Later, they carry this model into adulthood and replicate it in their own relationships when they marry.

Do you truly want your child to be unhappy in the future? To live without love, respect, or mutual understanding, forcing themselves every day to choose someone else over themselves and their own happiness?

If the father is indifferent toward the child or even abusive, another problem arises. The child may conclude that they are not good enough, that something is wrong with them. Their self-esteem suffers, and a “cold” attitude becomes normalized—behavior that suggests it’s acceptable to treat them poorly.

The Trap of ‘Staying for the Children’: Consequences for Adult Children

There’s another issue that often arises in families where parents remain together for the sake of the children. When the child grows up, they are not allowed to leave for adulthood; they are denied the freedom to choose what they want. Because the child’s independence and transition into adulthood mean the parents will be left alone.

The family’s relationships have long since faded, leaving only emptiness behind. In the best-case scenario, one or both parents simply suffer and try to find some activity or distraction. In the worst case, they begin to harass their adult child: constantly demanding attention, insisting they have children soon, or interfering in their life.

This damages the relationship between parents and children and prevents the already grown child from building their own life. After all, the family was preserved for their sake, sacrifices were made, and no divorce occurred. Now it’s the child’s turn to sacrifice themselves. And the adult child now suffers from guilt and shame, believing they must be there, pay attention, care for their parents, and compensate for everything they once gave up for the child’s sake.

Why Divorce Can Be the Best Example for a Child

So, choose yourself. Your child will benefit more from this than from watching unhappy parents. Moreover, divorce itself can serve as a good example for the child. It shows that life doesn’t end after a separation. That people sometimes make mistakes, sometimes fail to build relationships, but this doesn’t mean they must endure a lifetime of unhappiness. They can separate, go through this period, become happy again, and build new relationships.

Additionally, if the father was a good and attentive parent from the beginning, he will most likely remain so after the divorce. Your separation won’t necessarily worsen his relationship with the child. If there were no warm relationship with the child before—or if the father treated them poorly—what exactly will the child lose? Nothing. They simply won’t have to endure indifference or hurtful words directed at them anymore.

Sometimes, after a divorce, children even receive more attention and care from their father than before. If, prior to the divorce, he was constantly busy or didn’t make much effort to spend time with the child, now—when he takes the child for even one weekend a month—their interactions can become longer and more meaningful. Better than those same 15 rushed minutes every day, where the father is distracted by his phone and only half-heartedly pays attention to the child.

Choose yourself and your own happiness. Children of happy parents have a better chance of growing up to be happy, fulfilled individuals who are satisfied with their lives.