I Want Him To Change

Every woman has her own "list of grievances" against her partner—things he doesn’t do or doesn’t do the way she’d like. The requests are endless:

• Propose and marry me.
• Stop talking to other women, ex-wives, or mistresses.
• Quit drinking/gambling.
• Earn more money.
• Move with me to a place I love.
• Show emotions and share feelings.
• Help with household chores.
• Be open to discussing conflicts and problems.
• Spend more time with me. Be more attentive to my needs and desires.
• Show interest in my life and hobbies.

The list goes on. And when women come to me, a psychologist, with the question, "How can I make him give me what I want?", I hear frustration, anger, and tears: "How can he be so clueless? Is it really that hard to care, to listen, to show feelings? If he loves me, why doesn’t he…?"

I genuinely empathize with their outrage. But when I say that changing a man is practically impossible, I see disappointment and confusion: "You’re a psychologist! Don’t you know how to make him change?"

Here’s the hard truth: A woman often seeks tools to influence her partner because she wants to reshape him to fit her ideal, to make him more convenient for herself. But any manipulation—even under the guise of "I just want what’s best for him, for us", "This will make our life better, more comfortable", or "I care…"—is a form of violence against another person.

Can We Influence People to Want Something?

Let’s break it down. In stress or danger, humans react in five ways:

• Fight – aggression
• Flee – despair, helplessness
• Freeze – depression
• Fawn – indifference
• Fascinate – spark interest (not just sexually)

Let’s examine relationships through the lens of these reactions:

1. Fight: Manipulation, Pressure, and Threats

This is the attempt to force a man to give you what he isn’t giving through manipulation, tricks, deception, pressure, or threats:

• "If you don’t propose, we’re over."
• "If you don’t spend time with me, you won’t get sex."
• "If you don’t earn more, I’ll find someone else."
• "You know how important it is for me to spend time together. If that doesn’t happen, I might start seeing other people without you."

These are all forms of psychological abuse. Many resort to such tactics, hoping for change: "But what else can I do? He doesn’t respond to anything else!" Yet, even with good intentions, abuse remains abuse.

2. Flee: End the Relationship

Find a man who better meets your expectations.

3. Freeze: Suffering in Silence

This manifests as physical or emotional illness. A woman falls into despair and depression, hoping her suffering will make her partner feel guilty and change. But this rarely works—it only deepens her pain.

4. Fawn: Adapt and Accept

The woman arranges her life independently of her partner. He exists beside her, but in a parallel world. She does everything herself and expects nothing from him. This usually ends with her leaving the relationship. She realizes she can live without him—he’s just an extra burden in her life.

5. Fascinate: Inspire Desire

This is the only creative solution to the problem. The key is to show the man what he gains if he does what you want. What pleasure will enter his life? How will his life improve? What’s in it for him to make the effort?

Example: You want him to propose and marry you.
Instead of demanding or complaining, try this:
*"I want to share with you how I see our future together. Marriage isn’t just a formality for me—it’s an important step that will unite us and make our bond even stronger.

When I think about tying my life to yours, I imagine us supporting each other through tough times. It’s important to me that we’re a pillar for each other and share joys and dreams.

I see us achieving common goals together and creating new traditions. Can you imagine how wonderful it will be to celebrate holidays and travel as a couple? Every new place will become part of our story.

I also dream of creating a cozy home where love and understanding reign. We’ll face challenges together and enjoy life side by side.

And, of course, I hope that one day we’ll have children. It will be an amazing adventure filled with joy and closeness. Family isn’t just responsibility—it’s the happiness we create together."*

Offer something special from yourself so he understands that his happiness and comfort matter to you.

The Bottom Line

Relationships require mutual understanding and a willingness to change from both sides. If one partner isn’t ready to change or care, it’s important to recognize this and decide on your next steps—whether it’s working on the relationship or finding a new partner. Ultimately, happiness in a relationship depends on both partners’ willingness to meet each other halfway.

Translated into English 14-06-2026