Step-by-Step Tips for Children Affected by War

Step-by-Step Guidance: What to Do with Children Who Have Suffered from War

Child. War. Trauma.

Many Ukrainians have fled abroad with their families and children. Children have lost their safe, permanent place—their room, bed, table. Their friends, communication, streets, familiar food. This is a profound experience of inner security for a child. The very act of moving can be traumatizing.

It’s even harder when a child has lost a father in the war, or he is missing. Maybe they were under occupation, or saw wounded or dead people, heard explosions, saw buildings collapse with people inside. Maybe they witnessed rockets hitting their mother (mother dying, other relatives). Reactions are highly individual, depending on age and the quality of attachment (the relationship with the mother—whether it is trusting or anxious). Here, I will focus on trauma reactions.

The mother is responsible for the child. REMEMBER! Due to traumatic changes, the child may start to get sick, which is new for the mother. She may not know what to do, where to turn, which doctor to see, or how to talk to the child about their experiences and condition. She herself may not yet understand how to cope.

What to Do Step by Step

1. Stabilize Your Own State First
Mothers and caregivers, you must first stabilize your own emotional state. Children pick up on your anxiety and unrest. If you, as a wounded soul, do not project strength, the child will not feel that there is a strong mother or caregiver they can rely on—someone who can be stronger than the child’s state, someone they can depend on. Someone who can help.

Do not hesitate to spend money on a psychotherapist (there are also free psychological support options available now). This will help you stabilize your state and understand where to go next in helping your child. It is also important to learn how to talk to your child about the events they have experienced. If you don’t know how or what to say and avoid the topic, the child’s emotions will be suppressed and manifest as psychosomatic symptoms—to what extent? It varies for each individual.

2. Seek Medical Help
Register with a pediatrician in the country where you are now. If the symptoms are already complex, also see a psychiatrist, and take your child with you.

3. Document Symptoms
Write down all the symptoms you notice in your child: insomnia, talking in their sleep, anxiety, constipation, diarrhea, nausea, scratching their body, sudden coughing, fears, physical lethargy, disorientation, or anything else.

Why write it down?
When you see the doctor, you will be anxious, and the appointment time will be limited. This time pressure will add stress, and you might forget important symptoms the doctor needs to know for accurate treatment.

4. Follow Up on Medication
If medication is prescribed, for example, for a month, schedule a follow-up with the same doctor 3–5 days before the medication runs out. This ensures continuity of treatment. (This approach also works for adults.)

How to Talk to Your Child About Psychological Help

• First, you, as a mother, must realize that you are responsible for your child’s well-being.

• Talk to your child: explain that as a mother, you want to help, but you cannot provide the specialized help a professional can. That’s why there are psychotherapists—people specifically trained to help children process trauma. It would be good if you yourself believe in this. If you don’t believe in it (which can also be a sign of your own psychological trauma), your child will sense your doubt. Our psyche communicates emotionally, not just through words.

• Do not expect your child to agree to see a doctor or therapist after your first conversation. The brain is traumatized, and it may not be able to process anything beyond the trauma. So, without pressure, invite them to go with you because you, as the mother, are responsible for their care. The child does not yet understand life or how to process what has happened to them. Say: “You are my child. You can always come to me for help. I am an adult, and I will find a way to help you.”

Remember: When a child had a safe life—their father, mother, and everything they invested energy in, everything that was their whole life—and it is taken away, something must replace it. If nothing is given in its place, a break in the psyche can occur, which may never heal and could lead to mental disorders. This happens when you don’t know where to turn for help or don’t want to.

Remember: Psychotherapy is not forever, but what you take from therapy stays with you forever.

Tetiana Pelekh – Psychotherapist

Let us respect each other.