Relationship with a married man

Good morning!

The situation with this man suggests that you have a need for a relationship, which is quite natural. Professional fulfillment and your role as this man’s mother do not negate that need. However, it’s important to understand why a married man is beginning to occupy a certain place in your life. Perhaps in this relationship, you’re getting something you currently need most: attention, a sense of your own attractiveness, emotional closeness, or the experience of falling in love. This could be an important signal about what’s missing in your life.

At the same time, it’s worth examining not only what you feel for this man but also what role he plays in fulfilling your inner needs. Could this relationship format, where a full partnership is impossible, be a way for you to feel safe? It’s worth exploring with a psychologist: why your need for a relationship is currently being fulfilled in this way and why a married man, rather than a single one, has become attractive to you.

Good morning!

Relationship with a married man

It’s not all that uncommon, you’ll agree. Though, as far as I understand, the relationship hasn’t yet reached the stage of lovers. Still, the risk you’re describing seems to be growing.

So, in answering your question—

How can I control myself and get my thoughts back on track?

—I lean toward the idea that first, you should explore what happened over the past week. Specifically, what inside you opened up or activated the desire to be with this man? The desire to give warmth and love—but you must consider to whom you’re giving it. To someone who won’t leave their family? To someone who meets their own needs through closeness with you, behind their wife’s back?

I suspect there might be a hint of envy toward the woman whose family you’ve connected with. It’s clear from the outside that she has something you don’t—namely, a partner who

‘is in charge of everything, can do everything, and even more!’

Perhaps your desire is fueled by feelings of loneliness as a strong woman who hasn’t had lasting harmonious relationships with self-sufficient men, while weaker men don’t interest or appeal to you?

I’m sure there’s much to uncover by looking deeper into your personal history. In particular, your basic attachment style, how you choose partners, and what happened in your relationship with the father of your children.

It’s also worth clarifying what “getting back on track” means to you. Please share—it will help focus on your needs, feelings, and values.

The situation is complex, and it’s natural that you’re starting to analyze what happened, thinking about how to act appropriately.

What matters most to you? Your feelings? The desire to preserve the friendship or avoid damaging relationships with your family?

What concerns you the most about the current situation?

It’s important to understand whether you’re feeling romantic love.

You can simply share your feelings with the man.

There’s no universal solution to this situation, though there are many possible options.

You also need to clarify your own feelings toward him: what specifically makes him attractive to you?

Any assessment of your situation by professionals will be subjective.

Additionally, the psychologist’s role isn’t to judge but to support and assist you until you feel confident enough to resolve the issue on your own.

You’ve taken the step to share your difficult situation, your hidden feelings, and to seek help from a specialist—something not everyone would do. That deserves respect.

But I want to say that we create our own situations in life. Our inner world, beliefs, and upbringing influence the events we experience.

You need to analyze the script of your life to understand why a married man appeared in it rather than someone single—and how to change that.

Hello!

What you feel for this man does not make you weak or "wrong." Feelings don’t always arise by our choice. You may have resisted his attention for a long time, only to suddenly realize that he has become emotionally important to you.

But here, it’s important to separate feelings from decisions. You can have strong feelings—and at the same time, choose not to enter into a relationship that contradicts your values.

From what you’ve described, you already clearly understand the reality: you don’t want to be his mistress, you don’t want to destroy his family, and you don’t expect him to leave his wife. So the question is probably not so much about how to "force yourself to stop feeling," but rather about how to prevent your feelings from dictating your actions.

It’s especially difficult because you see him every day. So simply telling yourself to "forget him" won’t work. Boundaries are needed.

Try to clearly define for yourself:

— Which forms of his attention you will no longer accept;
— Which topics of conversation remain strictly professional;
— What you will do when the desire to get closer arises;
— What exactly you will lose if you allow these relationships to develop further.

And one more important question: If he were a single man, would you want him as a partner—or are you, to a large extent, drawn to the forbidden and emotionally charged intimacy between you?

Don’t rush to answer that. Right now, you don’t need to fight yourself. It’s better to listen carefully to yourself and decide what kind of woman you want to remain in this situation—regardless of what you feel.

Feelings can be lived through. But decisions are better made not in the moment of emotional excitement, but with support from your own values and an awareness of the consequences of your choices.

Hello! This is indeed a difficult situation. However, you mentioned in your post that you don’t fit the role of a mistress and that he won’t leave his family (which, in reality, would be an even greater challenge if he expressed a desire to break away from his family). Emotional states and rational arguments don’t always align. But there are a few questions worth asking yourself when emotions run high.

- Would the man of your dreams allow such a situation to arise? Would he pursue you under these circumstances, knowing it would distress the other person and jeopardize his marriage?
- Could it be that these complicated circumstances have intensified your desires? (There’s that saying about the forbidden fruit tasting sweeter—and our psyche often works that way: the harder something is to achieve or obtain, the more strongly we may desire it.)
- What would you lose if you pursued closeness with him? And what would you lose if you didn’t?

And most importantly:
- Think about what exactly you’re missing. If you can name it—is it possible to fulfill that need in a way that doesn’t harm any family or professional relationships?

And my question to you: Can you refuse his advances (if you truly want to and feel capable of doing so) and still expect his full understanding and acceptance?

Good afternoon.

What do you consider to be the right path?

What happened last week that made you want to be with this man?

Overall, I don’t understand the pressure this man is putting on you or his initiative.