Manipulation or hidden love?

Hello!

Manipulation or hidden love

If it is hidden love, it is extremely strange and dangerous, as it manifests itself in the form of —

he almost hit me; what stopped him was that our colleagues were nearby, and then he rudely told me to shut up.

To put it bluntly, this is violence in its open form. Love, however, implies respect, care, tenderness—not what this man is doing.

How can I gradually stop feeling something for him? I know this sounds strange, but his behavior hurts me. I’ve tried talking to him many times; he won’t listen.

This part will be harder to sort out. We’re talking about your model of building closeness, where there’s a tendency to gravitate toward someone who can be harsh and distant. Someone who says,

don’t take everything so personally, after he kissed me.

And other moments like this, including

I’ve tried talking to him many times; he won’t listen.

You’re knocking on a closed door. Clearly, you overestimate the importance of romantic feelings while simultaneously underestimating yourself (!)

Moreover, you tolerate a kind of emotional seesaw—when he alternates between being warm toward you and suddenly freezing you out.

The second thing on this path is

How can I gradually stop feeling something for him

You should shift your focus back to yourself (!) Start valuing and respecting yourself. Take care of yourself. Become a self-sufficient young woman who prefers decent men.

I would advise seeking help from a psychologist in person to break free from this emotional dependency, gain freedom, and be able to choose partners who are worthy of you.

Edited by author 23.10.2026 07:46

Anna, this kind of situation happens often. You get used to the "sweet version" of the man—the one with the soft voice and his care. Then something changes. He responds harshly, starts disappearing, and you don’t know whether it’s really him or not. You don’t know what to do.

Women often mistake pretty words for sincerity, forgetting that a man’s true intentions are revealed through his actions. If he says you’re special but his behavior doesn’t back it up, that’s a sign his words mean nothing and his interest in you is superficial.

You shouldn’t ignore the obvious signals that suggest you’re dealing with a manipulator, a narcissist, or an abuser. These types of men love to put a woman on an emotional rollercoaster, alternating between attention and neglect.

It’s important to pause and look at the situation honestly. When a relationship begins, we often see only one side—the ideal, caring, loving figure—and fall for that image. Then another side appears—harsh, cold, abrupt—and we don’t know how to reconcile these two pictures. But the truth is, everyone has both sides. We can all be different at different times, and that’s normal. However, there’s a key nuance: if harshness becomes a pattern, it’s his way of interacting with you. And if you justify his harshness, you start to think it’s acceptable. Harshness tends to escalate.

This brings us to the main question: why do we tolerate insults from those we love? Because we’re afraid of losing that "sweet version." We hope he’ll return to being gentle, so we endure the insults, swallowing them down.

What can you do? First, don’t justify the harshness. Instead, acknowledge: "It hurts me when he talks to me this way."

Second, speak honestly: "When you talk to me like this, it hurts me. It’s important to me that I’m respected." This doesn’t guarantee he’ll change, but it gives you a chance to see his reaction. If he listens and tries to change, that’s one scenario. But if he continues to be harsh and demeaning, that’s another—and then you’ll have to decide whether you’re willing to live with it.

Third, remember: you don’t have to tolerate harshness, even if he’s generally a good person who sometimes loses his temper. Healthy relationships are built on respect. Without it, it’s not a relationship—it’s just a habit of enduring.

His motivations may vary, but his behavior is already quite telling: he allows romantic closeness and then distances himself, refuses to discuss your relationship, and dismisses your feelings.

You try to understand his behavior by attributing it to his age or your own emotions, though the main fact is different: he knows about your affection but does not offer clear and consistent commitment.

What’s especially important is that he nearly hit you. This is no longer about affection or emotional immaturity—it’s about your safety. To gradually lose your feelings for him, stop interpreting rare moments of warmth as promises of the future: judge him by his consistent actions, not by isolated romantic moments.

And do not stay alone with him if there is a risk of repeated aggression. You don’t need to figure him out to recognize that this kind of treatment is not right for you.