Worries about still not having children

Good evening!

Did I understand you correctly: on the one hand, you are concerned that you still don’t have children, and on the other, you are very afraid of having them? "It seems like we’re not against having a child, but at the same time, I’d have to take care of the child myself—take them to the hospital, walk with them, go out alone with them. What if I can’t handle it? I have no one to help me."

If this is what you meant, it’s likely you’re experiencing an internal conflict: the desire to have children is contradicted by your fears about caring for them.

You wrote, "Please advise how I can adjust my thoughts so I stop worrying about not having children at 35…"

In my view, the issue isn’t just about children who haven’t been born yet, but rather about an overall heightened level of anxiety.

And to stop worrying about not having children, you first need to address the anxiety in general.

Could you please tell me how strongly you worry in other situations? Do you feel anxious about other things?

How calm were you as a child?

Your feelings are completely normal—they’re a sign of responsibility. Deciding about a child is never made with absolute certainty, because you can’t rehearse every possible scenario in advance.

You’re facing a serious question, and it’s natural to feel fear and doubt at such a moment. Fear helps you recognize which issues are truly important to you. It’s very good that you allow yourself to voice these fears instead of suppressing them. Being a first-time mother is always a little scary. After all, a child’s birth changes your life, but the changes aren’t always frightening. They bring new meaning and joy.

Your fear of being left alone with the child, having to handle various life challenges, is understandable. It’s truly unsettling, but life doesn’t follow a script, and independence can be intimidating. Still, you’re already showing responsibility, which means you’ll manage. And perhaps there won’t even be any difficulties.

Discuss a detailed plan with your husband for the time he’s away: what services you can arrange, how many hours a day you could hire a nanny. You’ll find answers to some questions online.

Life after a baby’s birth certainly doesn’t end—it simply becomes different, and sometimes even brighter. And after some time, when the fears fade away, when you and your child become one, and you see traits of someone you love in them, you’ll wonder, *‘How did I live without you before?’*

Hello, Nickname_7c080.

Your phrase "we’re kind of not against having a child" stands out. But "kind of not against" isn’t about desire at all. It sounds like a compromise or concession, as if it’s necessary—though it’s unclear for whom.

What follows in your message is nothing but hardships: hospitals, solitary walks, fear of not coping. The child isn’t seen as a new life here, but as a heavy burden you’ll have to carry alone while your husband is away on business trips.

I also sense how much the age factor weighs on you, as if it’s your last chance, a deadline after which all doors will close. I know many women who gave birth calmly at 40 or even 42. Others consciously choose a life without children, and that’s a valid path too.

When a woman truly wants a child, resources appear—energy, nannies, ways to negotiate. Right now, you don’t have that "want" inside you; there’s only fear and a sense of duty.

Perhaps this fear is simply a sign of what’s happening in your family. As long as your husband is away on business trips, it seems like you have a normal partnership—you just tell yourself he’s busy. But once a child arrives, you won’t be able to hide behind his travels anymore, and it will become clear that in this relationship, you’re on your own.

Maybe it’s time to stop forcing motherhood and honestly examine how you live with your husband and whether this distance between you really suits you.

Thank you for your frank response.

So, your anxiety is specifically related to having children.

In that case, in my view, it would be worth taking a closer look at the causes of this lack of self-confidence. After all, there is such a thing as psychosomatics. Therefore, I do not rule out that an internal psycho-emotional conflict could be one of the reasons for not having children.

You mentioned that as a child, you were playful, cheerful, and loved to read. But how initiative and independent were you? How did you react when you made mistakes or something didn’t work out right away?

And one more thing: how long has it been since you last received help and support from your parents?

Good morning!

Your worries are a completely natural psychological reaction to certain aspects of life that aren’t turning out well for you. So, it’s important to accept them—not just accept them, but also understand their causes. It’s best to do this in therapy with a psychologist. I’m not saying this just for the sake of formality. In reality, deep changes—specifically the kind we’re talking about here—happen when you explore your internal processes, and this can objectively be facilitated by working with a specialist. Of course, you’ll do much of this work independently while in contact with them.

Now, to the point.

This—let’s call it a symptom, or a manifestation of the problem—

worrying about still not having children

—appears to be two-layered based on your posts. The first layer is your fears:

I’ll have to handle the child alone, take them to the hospital alone, go for walks alone, what if I can’t manage it, what if I have no one to help me?

The second layer is implied between the lines:

My husband is often away on business trips, and he’s practically never home. We both seem to be okay with the idea of having a child.

Here’s my assumption: unfortunately, there’s no mutual understanding or agreement between you and your husband about having children. The phrase "we both seem to be okay with it" raises a question—what does that mean? The first thing that comes to mind is the absence of a genuine desire in the couple to have a child.

This lack of desire is masked by your husband’s frequent business trips. It seems that you both are avoiding openness—the very discussion and clarification of how you’ll prepare for parenthood and how you’ll implement it in your lives.

Have you and your husband talked about the future responsibilities, ways to handle childcare, or the possibility of hiring a helper or nanny? Or are you still hesitating, trapped in your own imagined fears?

What would I advise you to do?

First, take one or two sessions with a psychologist to sort through your current state—your thoughts, perceptions, desires, and the obstacles standing in their way. This step should help you prepare for an open conversation with your husband.

Later, it might be relevant to have a session as a couple with a family psychologist. But that would come second. In other words, we’re moving step by step.

So, it’s worth choosing a psychologist here on the site and starting to address the issue for real. The period of postponement seems to be over.

Hello! Usually, children, husbands, relationships, or clients come into a person’s life when they are ready for it. In simple terms, when there is space inside you for it. What this psychological space is can be explored in therapy.

Could you please advise me on how to adjust my thoughts so I stop worrying about not having children at 35?

This fear can also be worked on.

What if I can’t handle it? What if there’s no one to help me?

Yes, and this is your personal responsibility. You either accept it or you don’t.

I’ll have to take care of the child alone, take them to the hospital alone, go for walks alone.

By thinking this way, you’re limiting yourself. It’s obvious, which is why a child hasn’t entered your life.

My husband is often away on business trips, and he’s rarely home.

Hello. You’ll have to agree to something anyway. At the very least, don’t fall into an ambivalent state. As they say, a decision resolves everything. If you understand that you want a child, then you should honestly accept that ideal conditions may not exist. Once the decision is made, your brain usually shifts from asking, "What if it doesn’t work out?" to "How can I make this happen?" Then concrete solutions and support options start to appear.

If not, discuss it openly with your husband—right now, not sometime later. Because uncertainty often drains you more than any decision ever could, and you’ll keep second-guessing yourself.

Tell me: If you knew for certain that you could handle it and wouldn’t be left alone, would you want a child? You know, if God gives you a child, He’ll also give you the strength for that child.

What feelings or considerations make you want a child?
Does your husband want a child, or is he just okay with the idea of having one without really wanting it?
What exactly are you afraid you won’t be able to handle? In a couple where the husband works, he will be at work anyway, while the wife is with the child during the day, takes them to appointments, and handles daytime activities. Still, there’s an opportunity to plan and prepare for parenthood by organizing your life, finding a nanny, and so on.
If your husband is often away on business trips and isn’t home much, how do you manage on your own? Does this arrangement suit you?

Good afternoon.

What you’re experiencing regarding the absence of children at 35 is completely understandable. Many women in this situation feel both a desire to become a mother and fear of the responsibility. In your words, I see not only worry about your age but also anxiety about the possibility that most of the childcare responsibilities might fall solely on your shoulders.

It seems important to me not to rush into convincing yourself that 'you must have a child because time is running out,' or conversely, that 'it’s better not to take the risk.' Try to honestly answer for yourself: what do you truly want for yourself? Is there a desire to be a mother if you set aside the expectations of others and society?

It’s also worth separating two different questions. The first is whether you want a child. The second is whether you currently have enough support and resources. Sometimes a woman isn’t afraid of motherhood itself but of the loneliness in the process. In that case, it’s important not to fight the fear but to consider what real help you could arrange: the involvement of a partner, even if they’re often absent, assistance from relatives, a nanny, friends, or others you can rely on.

Pay attention to the fact that the fear of 'I won’t be able to handle it' often arises before a person actually steps into a new role. Yet the ability to cope usually develops gradually rather than appearing all at once.

Be attentive to yourself. You don’t need to force yourself to stop feeling worried. Sometimes it’s more useful not to eliminate the anxiety but to understand what it’s trying to tell you.

Take care of yourself.