Why don’t men choose me for relationships?

It’s very difficult to give advice without knowing you. Perhaps you haven’t fully evolved as a woman who can captivate a man, draw him in, and make his thoughts your own—so that he thinks of you, feels the need to have you by his side day and night, 24/7. That’s why there’s such a thing as the "evolution of the inner woman," a process you need to work on and improve. Some women marry because, at a certain level, they’ve already built themselves up. Or it might be something deeper, like family scripts. A harmful stereotype that insists you *must* be in a relationship at all costs fuels a false desire to be with someone. You might think you want a partner, but in reality, you enjoy your freedom. In that case, it’s crucial to look inward and accept that, despite societal pressures, you want to remain free outside of a relationship—and for me, personally, this feels right at this stage of my life. Perhaps past experiences have left you with a lot of negativity or trauma around relationships. That’s a common scenario. You might want a relationship but unconsciously protect yourself from it. In such cases, you absolutely need to process past experiences, heal psychological wounds, and learn to choose suitable partners.

Good evening. As of today, there are over 4 billion men on our planet. If we subtract underage boys, that leaves nearly 3 billion men. Out of all those billions, you’ve described your relationship with just one specific man.

I understand your pain and the emotional state you’re in. Under the influence of emotions, people tend to generalize: "always, never, men, all of them," and so on.

But he’s not all of them—far from it. Every man has his own worldview, his own character, habits, and desires. Even the retinas in people’s eyes are unique; even twins have different ones. There are no identical people.

So it’s worth considering each man individually, without rushing to make sweeping conclusions. With different men, things turn out differently. Some may be repelled by you and your behavior, while others may be drawn to you—and even captivated by the very same behavior. For many, you and your behavior have nothing to do with it; the real issue lies in their own issues.

Good day. I’ve noticed, as often happens, that there seems to be an imbalance, a tilt toward the other person—it feels like you want their attention, their communication, but they don’t give enough of it, even though they do engage with you, as you say, and in a way, they choose you.

I think this might be a defensive maneuver, shifting your own desires onto them. The real question is how you relate to yourself. Perhaps there’s something you’re unsure about. It’s worth exploring your own personality—subtleties in self-perception, your emotional evaluation of yourself, and your attitude toward yourself.

Because, in a way, the foundation is that relationships should be built by two people who are subjectively present and psychologically independent, to some degree, of course. You yourself mention that you might be exaggerating something. What is it? What’s the issue?

Because there are blind spots, unresolved issues in accepting certain aspects of yourself and relating to those possible traits of your personality. If this isn’t worked through and is instead rejected, it can lead to problems in building and maintaining relationships.

Roughly speaking, we don’t know what’s going on in that man’s mind—it’s not about him. Maybe he wants this, or maybe he doesn’t. It’s not connected to you, or maybe it is.

What matters is how you desire and choose yourself.

Hello. You know, there’s something called attachment theory—you may have heard of it. And as long as we don’t recognize and work through our own patterns, we often build relationships according to the same automatic script.

It’s hard to break free from the cycle of anxiety until you start noticing your automatic reactions: what triggers you, what you feel, what you do in response, and which script you’re running again.

Once we become aware of this, we gain the ability to make a different choice. And a different choice leads to a different outcome.

Nothing will change if you keep making the same choice over and over. Instead of asking, *Why don’t men choose me?*, start asking, *What do I actually want from a relationship?*

As for books, I’d highly recommend *How to Not Die Alone* by Logan Ury. It’s fascinating science that can help you find love, and it directly addresses your question. You’re also welcome to book a consultation.

Hello!

I sense how important this question is for you.

At the same time, we need to clarify which men, exactly, don’t choose you. After all, it’s unlikely that every man out there interests you.

So let’s start by exploring your preferences when it comes to men—not just visible traits like age, appearance, education, or financial status, but more importantly, their character, emotional depth, spiritual fulfillment, and values.

A few more clarifications on this topic:

How do you want to feel with a man?
What do you want to feel and receive from him?
What are you willing to give him?
I will definitely ask about your relationship with your father and mother. How did you primarily feel with each of them?

I’m 33 years old, attractive, fit, and live an interesting lifestyle—traveling, pursuing hobbies, sports, and reading a lot… but men only see my surface and not my depth.

In your opinion, under what conditions would someone—men in particular—be able to see your depth? What needs to happen first?

I messaged him first because I was afraid of disappointment or rejection.

This sentence hints at an obstacle standing in your way. It’s the fear of hearing rejection and feeling disappointed.

What do such things suggest?
I tend to think that you have doubts about your own worth—not critically, but they are there.

Because of this trait, your behavior often shows heightened interest in contact with another person.
You may also experience excessive worry and, at times, idealization of a new acquaintance or partner.
Now, let’s ask: do other people somehow notice when someone is more interested in them than they are in themselves?
The answer is obvious—most people feel it and notice it!

What in my behavior could have provoked his reaction?

What I’ve shared above partly answers your question.
But you intuitively find an explanation yourself—

it’s as if I exaggerated something… I messaged him more often first, initiated meetings, and he only agreed or didn’t.

However, there’s another side to this—the bigger picture. This is about the man himself. What about him? What is he focused on, and who is he oriented toward? We don’t know. So there’s no point in guessing. But we should keep in mind a well-known axiom: NOT EVERY PERSON IS A GOOD MATCH FOR EVERYONE AS A PARTNER.

It would be strange if it were otherwise.

Given your interest, I think it would be appropriate to suggest that you work with a psychologist for a while. You’ll be able to better understand yourself, receive effective support, and get help on your journey toward positive change.